"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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