He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
