you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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