Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
