He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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