How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
