yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
