So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize