Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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