it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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