I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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