Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize