got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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