just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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