p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
