GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Randomize
