you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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