Umm I'm too high to move.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
