i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
