seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
