hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
