I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
