I faked an abortion last night.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
