The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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