someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
