OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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