Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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