toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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