i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she smelled like a LAN party
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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