You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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