The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
