she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
