I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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