I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
