who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
