She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize