She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
