All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
