did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
