Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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