New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
