If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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