wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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