I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
