This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
