hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
