i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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