I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So much rum. So many feels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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