At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
