lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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