69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
