I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
