I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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