The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
