It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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