Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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