I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He shit in the fireplace
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
