The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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