I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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